


"okay dad, I swear this isn't my fault but..."

by ココダ - coco (arurun)



Series: dad I swear it's not my fault but [9]
Category: One Piece
Genre: Adopted Children, Alternate Canon, Alternate Universe - Canon, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Fix-It of Sorts, Gen, Implied Relationships, Kuina (One Piece) Lives, Phone Calls & Telephones
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 13:55:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29261574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arurun/pseuds/%E3%82%B3%E3%82%B3%E3%83%80%20-%20coco
Summary: bits of Den Den conversations between the crew and their (very tired) dad.Also known as:"the children left the nest. except it doesn't feel like it at all because they call me every three fucking seconds lord take me from this world."
Series: dad I swear it's not my fault but [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1731370
Comments: 17
Kudos: 252





	"okay dad, I swear this isn't my fault but..."

**Author's Note:**

> aight, been a while since I wrote this series! xD remember that this series isn't chronologically written, so there are a few already adopted kids that I haven't written the process of adoption for yet, but just go with it aight? 
> 
> these are literal snippets, so you can have fun imagining who is saying what. 
> 
> For reference, any dialogue in italics is one of the strawhats (over the phone), and dialogue in normal text is Loto.

_ “So okay uncle, I was robbing this pirate ship--” _

Loto pinched the bridge of his nose. “Nami, what have I told you about robbing pirate ships?” 

He can just imagine her sulky pout when Nami mutters, like a rehearsed line,  _ “don’t rob pirate ships,” _ she mutters sarcastically. Then, _ “look uncle this isn’t about me--” _

* * *

_ “Mister? Yeah so Luffy, that fucking idiot? He just got carried off by a bird.” _

“...what?”

_ “Can I just leave him?” _

“What-- uh, no. No.  _ No, no _ , no. Go get him back, Zoro. You’re a good boy. Go get him back.”

* * *

_ “Daaaaad?” _ Luffy’s voice drags unnecessarily, and Loto’s face is already in his hand.  _ “Zoro got stabbed by a weird guy with a big red nose.” _

Loto just facepalmed.

“Did he stab them back?”

_ “Yeah. But now he’s bleeding again and Nami’s angry at us. I think we need a doctor.” _

“Oh Luffy, you think so?” he’s bordering on the edge of wondering if he should strangle the Den Den Mushi, “then maybe you should get one.”

_ “Oh. Okay then!”  _ and a little further Luffy declares that, " _ guys, we’ve gotta get a doctor next! Oh, musician first though.” _

If they drown, Loto might just let it happen.

* * *

_ “Mister Loto? Usopp just proposed to Kaya and--” _

Loto spat out his drink and spent a while choking. 

A different voice, Nami’s, takes over. Loto hears the sound of a fist connecting against a head.  _ “Can you not give Uncle unnecessary heart attacks?” _

* * *

_ “Sir?” _

Loto stared at the snail. Over the years, he’s gotten really got at understanding those tones. 

Sanji is calling him Sir. 

That, if anything, is just strike number one of ‘I think someone just died, help’. 

_ “Okay sir I swear it’s not my fault, but uhm-- uh yeah, this is about the Mosshead, uh… he kinda challenged a really strong swordsman and got monk’s robe sliced.” _

Loto’s heart ceased right there, nearly dropping his pipe in shock. 

He barely gathers enough of himself to bark out his next order, “PUT MIHAWK ON THE FUCKING PHONE RIGHT NOW OR I’LL--”

A distant whisper-shout of ‘how did he know it’s MIhawk? I didn’t say anything!’ before Sanji clears his throat,  _ “...uhm… Mihawk? Sir? Mister Mihawk?” _

An awkward pause. 

Then,  _ “our uh, dad, wants to talk to you. Sorry.” _

* * *

_ “Mister, do you ever feel like chucking Luffy across the continent?” _

“Something like fifteen times a day, why do you ask?”

* * *

_ “Uncle, before you scold us about the article and the bounty poster I just want to make it clear that this isn’t my fault.” _

Ah, classic. Loto has only gotten that kind of greeting about two thousand times this month. And half of them are from Nami, impressively enough.

It’s almost a staple now, and it’s always by Deuce, Kuina, or Nami. The three sane ones of the pack. (And no matter what anyone says, Koala is NOT sane.) He’s going to buy them the best birthday presents when the time comes.

Instead, Loto says, “I don’t know, thirty million is pretty cool for a start.”

_ “Don’t encourage him, uncle!” _

“I mean, I’ve been wanting to burn down those marine bases too, ever since that time I snatched Arlong back home. Now that I think about it, I never got around to do it. Tell him I said thanks for saving me the trouble.”

_ “I just said  _ _ don’t _ _ encourage him--” _

“By the way, who’s Don Pringles?”

_ “Krieg. He was such a shithead!” _ Sanji’s voice takes over,  _ “he put a hole in the Baratie, can you believe? This was when Mihawk almost cut it in half too. Owner Zeff would’ve drilled them a hole in their skulls if Luffy didn’t shuck his shitty ass into the sea.” _

“Woah. Then okay, what about this Black Cat guy?”

Usopp takes over, _ “Khlahadore! His real name was Kuro, you know the butler guy we kicked away from Kaya’s mansion a few years ago WELL HE CAME BACK and then!!” _

_ “He was an asshole!” _

_ “I blew him away!” _

_ “No, Kaya did. She literally screamed him to oblivion.” _

_ “No no, Tamanegi deserves the MVP award here, did you see that beautiful throw? That wrench socked him right in the forehead! I raised him so well.” _


End file.
